Heather demanded a section on reconciliation. She was right. And it’s an important transformation, perhaps the most important one— recognizing and accepting what we do as a part of who you are.

But I wasn’t sure how to put it. So I made it into a conversation between she and I.

Why is “Ugly” here? Because it’s my own reconciliation.

I took to D/s very naturally. But I didn’t take to punishment for a long time. I didn’t want to do it.
But I needed to do it.

It’s only fair that you see me squirm, too.


Yes, you can push me too far.

Not easily. Not often. But you can push me, test me on a level where you wake my fight-or-flight instincts.

It can only happen when I am in your head. Thank God for that. Because I lose compassion.

But I keep my empathy.

And I turn cold. And I turn away from you. And I’m going to hurt you now.

And I hate it.

And if I wasn’t in your head, if someone triggered these feelings outside of that intimacy, I would walk. Because she wouldn’t be worth it.

And I don’t want to punish you.

And I don’t want to punish you.

And I punish you.

Ugly (confessions)

And the right punishment is worth weeks, months of training.

The damage of the wrong one is always far too much.

And I know, too goddamn well, that I’m not always right.

Reconciliation (A dialogue)

“You have to include a part about reconciliation.”


“Yes! Not everyone is you, you know. Some people have a hard time understanding that submission is okay, and doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad, or that they’re weak or something.”

“I’m sorry, but GIVE is a hard-edged, dark little book. It wouldn’t even use phrases like `submission is okay’.

“I’m going to smack you.”

“Besides, you can’t take power from the powerless. Dishwater isn’t soup, weakness isn’t submission.”

“You have to explain that, not just be cute about it.”

“I spend a lot of time talking about how submission requires strength, courage, intelligence, focus—“

“It’s not the same. Do you know how long it took me to come to terms with my identity as a submissive woman?”

“If I guess right, will you loan me another Cure CD?

“Not after you lost my other one! I still want that replaced, you know.”

“So, to change the subject as quickly as possible— what should I tell them about reconciliation?”

“Tell them that submission is just something they do. It’s a part of who they are. Just because they submit sometimes—“

“Or all the time.”

“…to specific people, doesn’t mean they’re submissive to everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with submission. It’s normal, and it’s not weird or strange or anything.”

“I object strenuously to that statement.”

“Look, just tell them it’s okay to be submissive.”

“’It’s okay to be who you are?’ What is this, a children’s book?”

“You’re a jerk, you know that?”

an imaginary conversation between myself and Heather